Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. (Psalm 119:105 ESV)
My week in numbers:
1.5 months since graduation and I haven’t found a job.
6 months since Gong Gong passed on and I’m not even prepared for another death in the family.
5 months of praying for a new ministry
1 month since I stepped down from YM
15 days since I started working at Cathay
7 days since I heard my calling again
This transition stage…. is tough. Waiting, waiting and more waiting. I’m just so uncertain if I’m doing the right thing. Things seem to happen for those around me but nothing for me. On some days, it’s easy to say “ok, God I trust you.” and on most days (especially this week), I find myself saying “Lord, when? I’ve had enough,” It was difficult to find solace and encouragement in the Bible because half of me was doubting its promises yet the other half also knows that I’m nothing without God. I struggled and went through the motion but the crux of the matter was that I was beginning to be resentful. Why was it so hard? "I’ve had enough.”
But then, why do I have to try so hard? Why can’t I just entrust it to God? What was I clinging onto so tightly that I refused to let go of? What then, was my security built on?
Then I begin to realise - it’s always about me. It’s always about what God can do for me. Never about what I can do for Him. Me, me, me. I’m disgusted at how terribly self-centered I am, most, if not all of the time. Yesterday’s BSF lecture reminded me that God expects me to be bearing fruit for Him and that is a requirement. If I’m so self-absorbed in my own faith and what my faith can do for me, then I’m just getting it all wrong.
It’s been a tough week - lots of rebuke, tearing down, stripping of my pride, rediscovering my salvation and the true joy of my salvation again. I thank God for prayer though… and communication with Him. Thank God also for hope and Jesus Christ, who completes me.
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. 3 Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. 7 If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. 9 As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. 10 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. 11 These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.
Jack and Jill went up a hill,
to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
and Jill came tumbling after.
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